Wandering

Today was one of those bright, sunny, amazing fall days. 
When I told my husband I need some space.
To breathe.

I have no idea what that means, "to need space"
Everything we own, everything we do is intertwined
It's our house; our bills; our marriage
How do you create space in the same space

I have hope that we can work through this
But I need space to breathe and to see what will be
I just don't have the words to articulate it well - I don't know how to do this
To sleep in the spare room doesn't feel right, but to sleep in the same room isn't "space"

After I told him I needed space - I wandered around a pumkpin patch, bought some shoes, and ate lunch by myself
Is that weird?

Of course I cried too.
Now I feel awkward in my own home
I'm trying to just breathe and see what plays out.

What Now?

I have just finished reading another blogger's post on"Hitting Rock Bottom" and I am on the edge of being there myself - or maybe I am there and just in denial.

I don't know how to tell my story without it being long and I don't want to tackle that tonight. I need to write it out for myself. I don't think my husband understands how close we are to the edge, and I need to be able to articulate it all to myself so I can then in turn articulate it (hopefully) to him. We as a couple are on the edge just as much as we our finances are on the edge. In fact it is hard for me to tell the two apart at this point.

Many thing that Jess wrote on her "Hitting Bottom Post" could have easily been written by me, but the two that jumped out at me are that, (1) I have spent so long "intensely focusing on making it happen" that I have totally and utterly drained my self emotionally and in every other way. I alone cannot fix our situation. I alone cannot prevent it from getting worse. I cannot afford to have blind faith in the statement, "believe me it will get better".  I need my husband to tell me how he is going to do his part to make it better, because I do know I do not want to be in this same situation again (for the 3rd time) in 2 years.

The second thing is that as I write this I hear Jess' words from her post* in my head, "I felt as though I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, but I knew that completely losing it wasn’t going to help me..." but yet at the same time I want to fold into myself and have someone else TAKE CARE OF ME. I am tired of putting every ounce of myself into making it - our finances - work. 

I am about on more "hiccup" away from being unable to stay in our home that we have owned only a year this month. We bought smart - 10% down, smart responsible loan - we did everything right - but apparently not.

I am almost at the point of believing that we need to give up our house, our home in order to get my life back." The thing is I am not sure that sacrificing my house will be the cure-all or if it will be a stepping stone or if it will just simply harbor resentment that it had to happen, that it could have been avoided if only, he hadn't CHOSEN to change careers**, if only, if only.....I know the "if only slope" is a dangerous one to go down, but like I said it is hard for me to tell where the financial problems end and other real marital problems might lie. 

We have always come from two end of the spectrum. He is very laisse faire about life - "it will work out" is his motto. I have always appreciated his optimism but in times when a plan is needed, like now, it is more frustrating than helpful. I am bred to have a plan, work out a plan, and then if it doesn't work, move on to the next plan. Mistakes are OK, changing plans is OK but not having a plan especially when the current lack of a plan is not working - is something that is not functional to me.

There is of course so much more history, so many more side stores. Nothing can be explained in one post.

But where I sit tonight is with this question: How do you know if it's time to let go. What if despite my intense focus to make it happen, to make it work, to control it all -- it is just time to let go. I'm not talking about letting go of control although that would be a big part of it. 

The way I see it and I have spent a lot of time thinking, crying and focusing on this - the way I see it there are three choices I have: 

(1) keep on the way things are going, tenuously - some might call this persevering or fighting the good fight.   Maybe that's what it was at the beginning when we were at this point 7 years ago - but right now, 7 years later it feels more like waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the next crash to happen, and emotionally spending every atom of myself along the way.

(2) Sell our home of only 1 year and move back to a place we can rent; hoping that the ease of financial strain makes the rest of it better too; hoping that any resentment that might bubble up out of having to move backwards instead of forwards doesn't make matters worse, or 

(3) *and god I cannot believe I am even typing this* sell our home and move on... separately.

I have spent hours upon hours, days upon days asking the question of what is the best path to choose and I am not sure if I don't know the right answer or if I am afraid of the right answer. I do know that none of the answers are immediate that all of them require one thing upfront.

For me to be honest and have the difficult conversations that I know are ahead. I had one today with my husband and it was hard - I am not good at saying things when for right or wrong I feel like they are hurting other people. I am exhausted, wiped out and all cried out - at least until I cry again. I have to get up and go to work tomorrow - push forward on the outside for myself and because well, we have bills to pay. I am not sure of anything at this point. I am not sure if I should sleep in our spare room, if we should talk more today, or sleep on it for tonight. I am angry that I am not happy and that I have to be dealing with this. *sigh*.

The story has just begun, the journey of what next is only at it's beginning. For now I am trying to remain open to all possibilities  - but how long can I go with no decision.

* sometimes others' words can so clearly articulate what we cannot seem to articulate ourselves

** my husband's choice to change careers is certainly not the only thing that has gotten us to where we are - again a longer history and a longer post is needed for that.

What Makes You Melt

There has been a lot of serious soul searching and self analysis going on here and since it's a Saturday night I thought I would post something a little more light-hearted.

Come on ladies you know it...each one of us has that special someone (other than our darling husbands)...we each have that one person who makes us swoon.

I'll start the discussion here with my current McDreamy who makes me melt and swoon...

For some real uTube McDreamy-ness check this out.

New Article

The Authenticity conversation over a Brene Brown's PNN page has had some amazing comments and conversations on authenticity and uncovering our fears to get to who we really are.

Several of the women participating in the conversation (myself included) are talking about anxiety and the "how's" and "why's" around our anxieties.

" I too try to cover up whatever I deem imperfect - thing is I am my own worst critic and part of my anxiety comes from an acceptance thing I think - worrying that others won't think I am "good enough" if I ... "say no", "don't do x.y.z" etc. The thing is I grew up in a wonderful accepting family so I am confused as to where this all comes from...possibly from having cancer when I was 3....I have a lot of theories around how my illness impacted my sense of self...My thoughts around this are that when I was three, when I was diagnosed and treated for a Whilm's tumor, I had surgery to remove my left kidney and then series of chemo and radiation treatments that occurred over the next two years, I was at a critical development time for me as a child.

From what I know, a child develops a significant portion of his/her sense of self at this age. They learn the difference between cause and effect, who they are in relation to the world, and they learn control. That is they learn saying "no" means stop, saying "yes" means something good. So what they happens to a child who has no control over their own body at this time? They say "no" please don't give me that shot/treatment etc. and yet they still get it because it is "helping" them.

Does this impact their sense of self in the long term? Does it have an impact on my sense of control now that it is older? I couldn't control certain things then when I was learning about control so now, as an adult am I clinging to control? 

As an adult I realize control is in a big part an illusion as they say, but to me this theory has always made sense.

Or has it?

Or

Is it just another way for me to rationalize something that simply just is?

Does it matter?

I think that there certainly are things in our past and in our being that we need to deal with in order to move forward and things that we can change about ourselves if we don't like them, to be a better self, but at some point we are who we are right? Isn't there also a component of acceptance that we need to focus on?

A lot of questions tonight, maybe some insight tomorrow.

Blog Here Blog There

I am really liking the community of people here at pnn but my problem is that I just might be over blogging myself.

I have a blog over at smoochdog.squarespace.com but to be honest I am not always completely honest there - it is more of a fun blog, a blog to write randomly about day-to-day living with some "deeper" posts scattered in there. It is not a place to talk about my journey to my "authentic" self. In fact some of the people that read my other blog I know IRL (in real life) and would probably raise and eyebrow or two at the concept of a journey to authenticity. Don't get me wrong they are great people, good friends, but for whatever reason they are not concerned with these kinds of things. Not for me to judge.

Anyway it's fine with me. I appreciate the space the let this journey be mine and mine alone - to share with others who are traveling the same path.

I have a feeling my journey will be a long one - a lifelong one perhaps? So I think I am going to hang out here for awhile...but come on over to my other blog and say hello if you'd like.

Me, Myself, and I

Overcoming Myself

Here's my challenge - I am afraid - what if I go through a journey to find the authentic me and it's wrong and I alienate people along the way. OK that probably sounds full of drama and insecurity but that's where I am at right now.

This is my first post about my first comment over at The Audacity of Authenticity. I am struggling at the start of this journey. My desire to figure myself out has been itching at the edge of my being for awhile now. 

I know who I have been, I know who others see me as but who am I and who do I want to be? Those are the questions I am struggling with. One day I want to figure it out, somedays I don't want to think about it..I mean can't I just go through life as I am?

Sure, yes I can but I WANT to get to a place where I fell like I am who I am who I want to be and not switching "faces" each time I find myself in a different role. I should be able to be me no matter what I am doing.

Next post: Who I have been. Who others see me as. Who I am.

Hello!

I have written down my thoughts as long as I can remember. It started first with the small square diaries with little key locks that young girls have. I remember being meticulous with where my key was at all times (it never seemed to cross my mind that the lock could be popped by a paperclip!).

As I got a bit older and then well into my twenties. I managed to amass well over 50 journals harboring all of my loves, and frustrations, and many accounts of injustice, both in my own small sphere as well as in the larger world. I would say there at least 20 of these still tucked away in a "Michelle's Childhood" box in my parents attic. I have gone back and read them a few times over the years, laughing at the "tragedies" of injustice that were being served to me at the time - "How DARE he not like me!" I don't have any real desire to read them again right now but somehow it is comforting just knowing they are there. 

For the last ten years I have been chronicling my life online in one form or another. Mostly personal blogs that I have had many on again off again relationships with. I have come to know several people in real life and somehow once someone you know if real life is reading your blog, it changes how I write. I am no longer writing just for me (and the anonymous reader) but it means more. Someone might not like me anymore because of something they read (yes, yes an insecurity - I have a few others that you will come to know as well.

So I have a personal blog that I will keep but what brought me here was something more, something inspiring. The Audacity of Authenticy 5-Week Journey led by Brene Brown. SHe has a blog - Ordinary Courage that i have been reading for a few months and that has inspired me tremendously. 

My favorite line from her own personal journey is "to stop alternating and start integrating". As she explains (I am paraphrasing here) so many times, especially as women we are one thing at work, one thing at home, one thing to our friends, another to our family etc. and often of all of those "people"we are or faces we put forward, none of them are entirely our authentic self.

I want to follow Brene's 5 weeks of prompts and questions and reflect on them here - try to unearth a bit of who my authentic self is.

Won't you join me?